Getting things done in Abu Dhabi, UAE

This hunt is actually taking on the aspect of a death march.

I try to keep an open mind, and let each coffee shop stand on it's own - but with SO many results thus far ranging from "Meh" to "You-have-to-be-kidding-if-you-think-that's-coffee" , the search for a decent cup has reached Arthurian proportions.

With that in mind, and my far too tolerant bride by my side, we stormed the castle of Marina Mall, following the holy (?) Abu Dhabi Week guide to great (? ? ?) coffee. This time the target was "Cafe de la Paix" - frankly I wasn't that interested in the "paix" part, as it's hard to accept that such peace can be found in a large shopping mall... but then a harder title to live up to would be "Cafe de la bloody great coffee" I suppose.

So, removing the "Insufferable coat of the cynic (+10HP +10ST -10WIS Class-ALL)" I acquired at a Dungeons and Dragons convention in the late 80's, I'll get on with the matter at hand, and attempt to leave my geeky parables behind.

Cafe de la Paix is on the ground floor of one of Abu Dhabi favourite shopping institutions, in through the front door and walk straight ahead until you hit what every United Arab Emirate needs in one of its shopping centres - an ice skating rink.

Yes.

I know.

Don't get me started.

Typically we were out and about in the early Friday afternoon - an excellent time to be looking for a seat in a cafe as most of the other shops don't open until 3pm.

Strangely the food shops open a little earlier, but what's the point in going to a shopping centre to pick up groceries and maybe a lazy cup of coffee if one cant look at Rolex.. or pick up a Blancpain handmade watch for cool 450,000 dhs? Put THAT in the bag with your doughnuts and corn in a cup... (Have I mentioned corn in a cup? It's corn, in a CUP. Corn in a cup. Genius)

Yes a digression, but you knew there was one coming somewhere in the post - going to give up apologising for them soon.

AAAANyway..

We were seated and had our order taken quickly and cheerfully - the staff are super attentive and pretty friendly. The added degree of difficulty was caused by Karma wishing to eat while we were there - so not wanting for her to feel like she was indulging on her own I had to throw myself over a club sandwich (which for the record was really good).

Everything came at once, food, coffee and tea all landing and expertly placed around our little table.

I've already mentioned the food, and the finance department commented that hers was great too.

Now.. to the point of it all - the coffee.

Pretty good. Slightly better than "Meh" but not knocking Charlene from her petrol fumed perch either.

It was okay - I'd go back for the staff before the coffee, but would rather hang out at Zyara, and it doesn't have the view of the cafe in the nearby tower, but it was ok.

Next and last in the guide's list of top 5 coffees is Idioms - and even though I have taken my friend Line to task (in this very blog) for being a liar, I have somehow managed to say yes to allowing her to accompany me to the place, although I am still concerned as she opened the conversation with.. "Oh I KNOW where Idioms is".

I kind of know where it is too, and even though I said after the Zyara adventure that I wouldn't...I'll let her direct just to see if she can snatch back any credibility!

Oh, while this review is based on the Cafe de la Paix in Marina mall - it's actually a chain, they can be found in various places throughout Abu Dhabi - give them a go, while the coffee is above the AD average the food is pretty good.

The list - getting pretty fat around the midsection - and so is this reviewer.

• ADNOC - ('big cups crisis' over)
• Zyara,
  Cafe De La Paix "Marina Mall"
• The One
• Le Brioche "Marina Mall"
• Starbucks
• Anything else, including but not limited to, licking tarmac
• CDR - Worst coffee ever - will post at a later date.

Have just got back from visiting 'Charlene' at the ADNOC... it appears that there are not currently any large cups.

One of the regular guys there saw me staring blankly at the machine trying to make sense of it all, and kindly informed me:

"No, big cup sir, only medium"

I stammered, "There..there will be more big cups w-won't there?" feeling that my and Charlene's relationship was about to take a turn that neither of us had been prepared for..

"No, No big cup sir.. medium only" he repeated, I guess to reinforce the fact that staring bleary eyed at the machine I loved so much WON'T make the large cups appear.

"Yes but... there are more on their way though.. more big cups come?" I was obviously distressed, and as a result I don't know whether his answer was based on the fact that there were more on order, OR that he feared I might fall to my knees, moaning.

"Yes, yes sir"

Then he moved carefully off while I attended to my MEDIUM cup.

So - Coffee Planet machine company of Dubai, if there aren't any yet ordered - the ADNOC on 30th near the end of 19th and 21st Streets needs large sized cups... NEEDS them.. and therefore so do I.

:-)

It seems that I may have found a flaw in the AD Week's "Best 5 coffees in Abu Dhabi".

Just a small one.

Trifling really.

Now, call me old fashioned, but I like to think that a review should have at least a couple of non-negotiable aspects in order to maintain credibility.
A template if you will. With these hard-set points ready to be filled out, before the hard work of the review begins.

A point I like to think is fundamental to a review is an accurate address. Information the reader would need if they were going to go and sample the wares of the whatever was being reviewed.
More particularly for me - an address that, if I was looking for coffee, wouldn't lead me to a series of butcher shops.

Not only would such information offer direction, it also suggests that if the reviewer were stopped in the street and asked where something was, they' know - and kindly offer directions ... because they had been there...

...had actually set foot in the place - or at least had driven past it, stopped, found a carpark, walked to the front door and asked the first person they saw leave the establishment what they thought.

With that in mind, dear reader let's skip hand in hand - err no.. let's not... that's illegal (or at least singularly frowned upon), lets walk with a respectable distance between ourselves through today's adventure..

Sub titled... "The mystery of the yet to be reviewed cafe"

I found myself standing in 45 degree heat on the corner of 2 back streets behind the gold souk near to the Madinat Zayed Market. Swaying gently in the afternoon haze and looking like someone had thrown a bucket of water over me, I was staring at animal carcasses hanging in a shop window on the other side of the intersection. While crossing the street I noticed one of the two hair-netted guys sitting out the front of the butcher turn and say something to his compadre.

"Did this guy fall in to a drain? I hope he's not coming over here to talk to...crap - I think he is... look disinterested, how can someone sweat so much and still be alive?"

At least, that's what I think transpired, my fluid depletion may have clouded reality somewhat...

But let's rewind.

Even though I had been bitten by the less than useful directions offered by AD Week in a previous review , I decided that in order to maintain the integrity of the abudhabilist.com Abu Dhabi coffee study, I had to at least try to utilise their directions to the cafe in their number 3 spot.

An entry that read:
3. Zyara Cafe. This place in the Madinat Zayed is basically an eatery, but does well as a genial near-Bohemian coffee bar.

In spite of my immediate thoughts about what constitutes "near-bohemian", I was excited (near -bohemian? Unless of course the clientele are NEARLY marginalised artists, NEARLY unorthodox, NEARLY anti-establishment or the place is located in or NEAR an area inhabited by gypsies I really don't know what that means).

I had also looked at another review that filled me with hope... THAT review suggested that Zyara could be the surprise package.

This second, and older review on another publication's site (pertinent point that: it was an OLDER review.. hold that in the back of your mind dear reader) also gave the address as Madinat Zayed, thus confirming from a reference point of view that Zyara was indeed to be found by driving to Muroor Rd, parking, and then strolling to the cafe where my near-bohemian beverage awaited me.

Adhering to the initial plan, and zapping through the midday streets found the mighty Volkswagen Polo parked safely in front of Madinat Zayed shopping centre - it's the one next to the gold souk for those taking notes.

Inside there were a couple of cafes but none called Zyara. To make sure though I walked the loops of both floors which in itself was fun. It's a very "Local" oriented shopping space, and I kinda like being the only westy around - gives me the opportunity to wave and smile, doing my bit for international relations and all that. It also offered up a couple of cafe names to add to the list of places to try once this limited focus study was complete.

When it became apparent that my search with respect to the mysterious Zyara had been for nought, I called my long suffering bride and asked her whether she knew where it was.

It would be fair to say that I don't think she is as invested in the project as my good self. Primarily because she really doesn't like coffee. Nonetheless she went to the all seeing oracle (Google) to see what she could see...

...and gave me directions to that were around the corner and into an area where I am reasonably familiar with - our favourite Chinese restaurant is there. While I was grateful for the directions given, a sinking feeling had begun in the depths of my coffee glands - I didn't remember seeing a cafe in that area that fit the description, nor anything even close.

The mission was still there to be done - so a quick car shuffle later I stepped out into the 1pm heat, and proceeded to:

• Walk the length of 12 street.
• Walk back.
• Walk both sides of the buildings on 12th.
• Walk around the Madinet Zayed food market.
• Marvelled that the smell at the back of the fish market didn't strip the skin from my eyeballs.
• Walked back to the corner of 9th and 12th.

Which brings us back to the beginning, where a large bald sweating man was lurching toward a couple of innocent butchers trying to enjoy their break.

The gods must have been on their side, as my coffee-hating wife phoned me just as I'd made the centre line of the road.
(a quick aside.. I am STUNNED that paint can stick to a road surface that hot.. I was stunned too by the 3 legged hula girls in grass skirts - although that may have been dehydration)

"I've had a better look - the other review you were talking about said that it was in a position where you could see the traffic on the corniche. There's no way it could be behind Madinet Zayed"

I headed back to the car - slowly - and got in, put the air-con on and waited until my eyes were clear of floating white spots.

Thoughts?
Far be it for me to suggest anything that even hinted on foul play, but ... could the Abu Dhabi Week reviewer who unknowingly sent me on this caffeine fuelled mission have got their information ... errr.. mixed up? Could they have relied on a secondary source rather than their own experience? Is it a coincidence that the misinformation put forward in the older review was repeated in the newer?

With these thoughts in my sweaty head I retreated, at pace, to the sanctuary of the ADNOC to grab my Coffee Planet machine coffee.

Yes-I realise that up until now I had been referring to it as "Planet Coffee", I noticed it for the first time today as I was staring at the machine, hoping there weren't any ex-St Kilda folk looking on sadly shaking their heads.

I think I prefer Planet Coffee... and may contact the company to suggest such. Although I think they have enough to concern themselves without listening to the rantings of some unstable Australian coffee hound who maybe in love - real love - real, honest, til death do us part love - with one of their Petrol Station machines in a Middle Eastern desert.

I might rename the ADNOC machine anyway.

I think I'll call it Charlene.

Tomorrow is another day.. and with any luck Zyara will be part of it..

Number 2 on the "Abu Dhabi Week" magazine's top 5 cafes was Le Brioche, a small chain of coffee shops here in the capital.

The term "good, well flavoured coffee" was used in the brief description. A description that suits me fine; simple and to the point. I am usually wary of any reviews that over inflate the tyres of the venue being reviewed, so it was with high hopes a ventured out into the 44 degree heat to make the trip into town.

The directions that were to be found in the magazine were also brief - I guess when you only have a certain amount of column centimetres to use, one has to keep the information brief.

Frankly though I would have preferred a little more info on where EXACTLY the Le Brioche from the AD Week review was located.

"Hidden away on the Corniche in the cluster of towers at the end of Khaleej Al Arabi" put me in the suburb, but unfortunately that particular part of the suburb is also the site of a massive refurbishment. I drove by half-buildings teetering as they are prodded and poked into submission, probably in order to build a similar, but slightly more stable solution to what was already there.

I drove around, and through the area, figuring that if a car space could be found within 5 minutes walk of where the alleged purveyors of fine coffee should be, the expedition could then be continued on foot.

Try as I might, and I really tried, I could neither find Le Brioche OR a carpark that would allow a more in depth reconnoitre of the area - I did however get stuck in a dead end street for about 10 minutes unable to turn around OR reverse, due to a kindly bloke who followed me into the unsigned dead ender then proceeded to double park his car and wander off to attend to some pressing business. Of course I couldn't get too angry, I mean he DID put his hazard lights on - you can stop anywhere if you put your hazard lights on, it's the trump card for all things.

"I know it's illegal to park here, I KNOW I am parking you in, I KNOW that I'd be super-peeved if someone else were screwing up MY day by parking like a tool, but... I've put my hazard lights on....so... EAT IT!"

After a brief but unfruitful session of praying that one of the many cranes working in the area would drop a well used port-a-loo upon the offending vehicle blinking quietly behind me, it was off to Marina Mall, where there's a Le Brioche that is far more easy to find.

It's a nice enough place, as far as shopping mall cafes go - they all end up looking like "Central Perk" from "Friends" but heavily franchised. So the end result is an unrealistic franchise interior copied from a non-existent coffee shop, but still somewhat familiar.

Let's face it though - I'm wasn't there to be blown away by "designed-to-look-casually-placed-but-actually-bolted-down" nick-knacks - I was there for the coffee.

Same routine as the last coffee review - "No need for a menu, just a cafe latte will be fine" I said as I was shown to my table, where I sat, pulled out my book, and waited...

...for about 5 minutes, then my order arrived.

It looked to be the right colour - which was a great start.

My first sip though was a little confusing. It certainly had some flavour, it's just that I suspect that the majority of the flavour bandwidth had been taken up by the middle east's old favourite - coffee mate.

Those who haven't experienced coffee mate need not bother themselves by going out and buying a tube. It's an abomination. Sweet faux-coffee flavoured goop that, when added to hot milk/water, tastes like warm/hot faux-coffee flavoured goop.

The use of said booster in this instance was low, but you can't mask the after taste. The shame of it is that if coffee shops would simply buy better beans, they'd make better coffee and wouldn't NEED coffee-mate to boost "flavour". I won't bore you with all maths of it, but even if the good beans cost an extra 100dhs per kilo, the additional cost per cup would be negligible..

Enough..

The over all result?

"Meh."

That's the result.

Uninspiring,
Not as good as "The One",
Better than Starbucks.
Not a patch on the ADNOC secret.

Next up will be Zyara Cafe in Madinat Zayed - I'm still keeping my chin up - I am very much an optimist after all, but...

...Coffee mate?

Seriously?

I figured that, in order to keep my sanity, I'd go to the top o' the "Five best coffee shops" list that was published in Abu Dhabi Week (Vol 2, Ed 23, Jun28-24, 2009) in my hunt for a cup of the good stuff.

My reasoning?

If I started at the top and worked down, I had the opportunity to be surprised by venues lower in the list, rather than starting at the bottom and being consistently and routinely disappointed by those higher up.

Bah! Who am I kidding? I ended up at "The One" because I knew where it was, and I was pretty sure the parking was going to be okay.

"The One" is a cafe inside a furniture store, or a furniture store around a cafe.. or in the cafe... whatever - you can buy food, coffee, lamp shades and dining tables in whatever combination suits you best.

Me?

I was simply there for the coffee. No food. No candelabra. No glass bowl with pretty coloured stones in it.

"Give me coffee and somewhere to sit, that's all" was all that I required.

In a move of marketing genius (?) there are no signs to direct patrons to the mezzanine floor cafe. The stairs are obscured by well placed nib walls that funnel traffic in the opposite direction to where someone with a hankering for coffee might want to go.

After seeing through this subterfuge (not before finding myself looking wistfully at a crystal vase, some tea candles and a tea trolley) I found the stairs that lead to what I was hoping to be coffee nirvana.

All signs were good, the cafe was dimly lit. The leather tub chair couches were anything but pristine, it had chalk board menu's, it had a cool vibe going on. I was met by one of the wait-staff who told me that I could have my choice of seating, and seemed happy that I had no need of a menu as I simply wanted a cafe latte.

My guy walked off with a look that suggested that he knew what I meant - I was here for the coffee.

Coffee from a place that had recently taken home the chocolates for "Best Cafe" at the Time Out awards.
Coffee that would bring my search to an end, and make the rest of my reviewing process a burden.
Coffee that would be the touch-bean against which all other coffee would be measured.

My order arrived really quickly and had a ginger bread biscuit jauntily placed on the saucer, all the fixings I needed had already been placed on the table in preparation.

I smiled and waited for my coffee courier to move off, so I didn't appear too eager, too... desperate... then, raised the cup to my lips - perhaps a little hot, but not blisteringly so.

I sipped.

I placed the cup back, and made my verdict.

"It's okay" I mumbled to myself - (I spend alot of my days alone, mumbling to myself is now not so much a habit as a lifestyle decision)

I mean... angels didn't sing. I didn't feel compelled to send it back, but I didn't feel the need to order another, OR repeat my drive across town to acquire it.

It was 'okay' - if I was walking past and was desperate, would I go in and grab a quick cup? Sure. If someone was to ask me to meet them somewhere over that side of town, and could I suggest a place? I'd say "The One is okay - let's meet there"

Is it GREAT coffee?

No, no it isn't.

The hunt continues, next stop is number 2 on Abu Dhabi Week's list - Le Brioche - if I can find it.

Now to the Abu Dhabilist coffee-scale-o-metre-thingy.

The bottom of the scale is "worst-coffee-I-have-ever-had-in-my-life-including-day-old-McDonalds-reheated-in-a-microwave-coffee" - a better explanation will be in a forthcoming post.

In short though: I never imagined coffee could be THAT bad... Tuesday 24th June was a watershed day for rubbish coffee, consumed 2 hours before going to "The One" - which means, really, "The One" should have starred, given that my palate was still reeling from the assault made upon it.

Starbucks will take the middle spot - purely as a commonly accepted "Average mass produced coffee" reference.

Top pick is current title holder of best Abu Dhabi coffee, and the source of my guilty little secret - The Planet Coffee Machine at the ADNOC on 30th. (see post "Coffee in Abu Dhabi?... it's a real problem")

So here goes...

• ADNOC- planet coffee machine
• The One
• StarBucks
• anything else, including but not limited to, licking tarmac
• CDR (more on this place in a further post)

The One can be found near the corner of 32nd and Sheik Zayed the first streets, parking out front or in the little side street next to it - but as usual during peak times you may want to be a little less demanding about how far you have to walk from the car.