Getting things done in Abu Dhabi, UAE

This happened to me, I own the experience, it has become part of my very being (as all dramatic experiences have a tendency to do). It was months ago, but the memory still lingers and sometimes I wake in the wee small hours, screaming... screaming ...

..oh the horror.

For those who might be late to the party may I suggest you head on over to the contents page and scan through the coffee adventures to date.

For long-time (and patient) readers, this is the post I have been threatening to write since the outset of the quest for the best cup in Abu Dhabi.

It has taken this long to get down, because I was blocking alot of the memory - apparently this happens after severe trauma, but the therapist says I am ready now.

I have decided NOT to directly name the cafe in question (for reasons that will be come obvious) but there are enough posts already that rank this place as last. It is denoted at the bottom of the list as being called CDR. It's a cafe in a Mall here in Abu Dhabi. Yup. In an Abu Dhabi Mall. Locals will work out this slightly cryptic reference.

Those NOT from Abu Dhabi: Just know that this place exists - and if you ever find yourself here, email me - I'll tell you. I promise. It is my duty.

CDR was not on my list for coffee shops to throw myself at, but I found myself in this particular Abu Dhabi Mall (hmmmm - too obvious?) waiting for my wife to get done with a work meeting and stride purposefully along the shiny (very slippery when wet) tiles and into the fabulously appointed food court for our lunch date.

A brief aside:
One of the things I find hysterical - primarily due to my not falling victim to it - is that all the floor tiles in just about any commercial space, if made wet, acquire the grippy texture of an ice skating rink. I guess due to there being no legal mechanism here to sue anyone should things go aggressively horizontal.

That means the building's designer/owner/dude-who-has-an-opinion-about-floor-coverings can literally choose whatever the hell they like for their floor tiling needs, he or she only need concern themselves with colour.

"I want 3,000 square metres of this blue tile"
"Ummm...ookay... these are wall tiles though...so..."
"I don't care - I want them"
"But they are reeeally slippery when wet... you don't want an ice-rink in your shopping mall do you?...hah ha ha.."
"........"
"........"
"I don't understand the question. Deliver the tiles I ordered."

Super slippery - even more fun when the same tiles are used OUTSIDE. Yup. Smooth, unsealed, slick as glass tiles. Thankfully it doesn't rain here alot. When it does though...

Anyway.. back to the point.
The meeting was running late, so I figured as I was about to undertake my first coffee review at The One after lunch, I'd do a test run with a coffee shop in the Abu Dhabi Mall (!) where my bride and I were to meet.

Fate led me to CDR.

I'd walked past this particular cafe alot and while it was never SUPER busy, it seemed to do a fairly brisk trade.

In short, it appeared that it was a pretty safe bet. It also had the bonus aspect of being 7 feet away from where I was when the text message came through informing me of the new proposed time for the lunch date.

I strode in past the smokers grimacing through wisps of exhaled cigarette smoke and sat down, feeling a little too self important, but nonetheless excited about the clandestine aspect of my "reviewing project".
I envisaged the fear my blindingly successful blog would strike upon cafe owners island wide. How all would worship me and DESPAIR...

...yes, well, abudhabilist.com hasn't had THAT much of an impact on the cafe community thus far. It's a slow burner this blog- but when it flares - THEN the coffee landscape will change oh yes my pretties.. yeeessssssss... precioooousss... *cough* ummm...

Here....be distracted by another ADist aside:

Smoking is prohibited in most malls here in Abu Dhabi, or at least in the walkway and main areas of the mall, BUT cafes all have a smoking section. Yes. A smoking section. Usually these sections adjoin the slippery goodness of the walkways - but provided the table is within the boundary of the cafe, it's perfectly within the rules.

Frankly, as was mentioned in an email that was getting around the place earlier this week: Having a smoking section in an public space is as useful as having a urinating section in a public pool.

Aaaand we're back:
I ordered a latte, doing my best to keep my identity a secret and settled in to trying out various seating positions and practising being nonchalant. I had even brought a book along to read, thus concealing the real reason a large bald westerner might sail in and order a latte.

I tried:

The 'Lounger'- a kind of side saddle position, that one hopes offers a look of carefree sophistication. High degree of difficulty - can come off looking manufactured and kind of tool-ish.

The 'Lounger + leg cross' - as above with an added leg cross. Result? I suspect I looked like a poorly shaped man-pretzel.

The 'meet the parents' - seated bolt upright, rear end as far back into the seat as you can, hands (book optional) clasped in lap. Good for core strength, makes you stick out in a crowd like dogs.. umm.. you know.

The 'Slouch' - As it sounds, but hard to achieve in cafe bucket style chairs, arms don't have anywhere to naturally fall, hard to reach cup, think I looked like I had passed out given the concerned looks of table near by.

I settled on a partial 'Lounger with leg cross', with a weight distribution that allowed reasonable access to the coffee table.

The cup of stuff was placed in front of me, and the waiter scampered off.

I put the cup to my lips and sipped, but the beverage was SO hot I simply couldn't get any in my mouth. My concern though was rising. Not at the temperature (although that ain't a great start) but there was an aroma of something I had vowed never to suffer again; years ago a 5 day camping trip ended in a shouting match with the guy who had recommended the stuff as an easy to carry coffee substitute.

Coffee Mate.

The stink of it was strong.

I went back to my book, but every paragraph or so I looked from page to cup, for what reason I don't know specifically... I just had the feeling that whatever was in that cup needed an eye kept on it.

A suitable amount of time went by, so I tried again.

It was at this point I should have got up and left. Got away from the thing.

Why?

The previously lead-smelter hot fluid had developed a skin on it. Not a slight milk separation that can sometimes happen with full or double cream milk, oh no, this was a good honest skin.

A baked-rice-pudding style skin (sans lumps).

A holiday-camp-too-much-gravy-helper-not-enough-water style skin

A skin that was akin in appearance to lightly grilled processed cheese slice on toast.

A skin that actually attached so effectively to the insides of the cup it created a seal that took a significant swirling action AND help from a spoon to detach.

I should have left.. I should have..

Taking my reviewing gig way too seriously, I again raised the cup to my lips and, while it was STILL hot, it had cooled enough so that I might actually taste what was festering away in there.

One sip confirmed my fear - coffee helper had been used.

It was at this point that the aforementioned skin made its presence known again by attaching itself to my bottom lip, so that when I pulled the cup away a blisteringly hot circular flap moved from it's birthplace in the cup and attached itself with the tenacity of wallpaper to my stubbly chin.

The cup was noisily placed back on the table, followed by a low moaning sound (that I suspect was coming from me), while on reflex I slapped at my chin which effectively dispersed what was under my lip to my shirt, and pants, and part of the chair. Thankfully my frantic actions did not send any glutinous shrapnel toward the couple sitting at the next table over, who were by now staring and offering their napkins.

Interestingly the waiters at that moment found a whole lot of important stuff to do in the kitchen area, so I resorted to stealing the napkins from the surrounding tables along with those offered by my neighbours.

I left my cup and out of habit staggered, red chinned and bewildered, to the cash register where I paid and then left while barely hearing the forced cheerful tone as the waiter called after me:

"Thankyousirpleasecomeagain".

My wife found me sitting in the food court amongst a whole hotchpotch of nationalities - all eating McDonalds and KFC - with a stunned look on my face as I gently stroked my still slightly stinging chin.

"Sorry about the delay", she said. "Got some times messed up. You looking forward to your big 'coffee expose' this afternoon? Hey, what have you done to your chin?"

****

I'm actually grateful that I went to CDR first off - I mean who could ask for a better baseline for a study?

Let this blog stand as testimony, and bow our heads for a moment to remember those that gave up coffee as a result of this establishment, and hope that one day they will come back to the caffeine fold...

Let it also remind cafe owners that coffee is NOT rocket science - whoever opens a cafe here that employs really good baristas is going to make a KILLING!

Makes the little more sense of the list below..

• ADNOC - ('big cups crisis' over)
• Zyara,
  Cafe De La Paix "Marina Mall",
  Idioms
• The One
• Le Brioche "Marina Mall"
• Starbucks
• Anything else, including but not limited to, licking tarmac
• CDR - Worst coffee ever - will post at a later date.

Going to the movies is fun, only here in Abu Dhabi, there is a different set of etiquette.

Below is an open letter to the manager of the cinema's at Abu Dhabi Mall.

Before I get to it though, let's get through what I am USUALLY looking for in a cinematic experience..

First and foremost let me say that I am the kind of guy who shows up at the movies on time. All the time. I have been known to see a different movie than the one I drove across town to see, simply because I was 10 minutes late, and I didn't want to be the late guy.

Second, I like to have all my noisy eating done OR prepared to be done prior to the main feature starting. Potential noisy bags checked for volume and if required, open and ready to divulge their artery clogging, cellulite encouraging, crinkly wrappered wonders upon my good person. Preferably orally.

Third, I like to watch the previews uninterrupted, including the ads, and that all conversation about said pre-entertainment kept to a reasonable volume. Reasonable volume suggests a level that is ONLY audible by the person sitting next to the individual from whom the pearls of wisdom are emanating from. These "Can't wait until the end of the show" topics might include: The Chinese restaurant that's offering the after screening Dim-Sum deal or an upcoming se-pre-post-quel of a Sylvester Stallone franchise, or how Kate Winslett's head looks more like a foot with every passing year.

Last - Phone users: Turn your effing phone off. Just turn it off. How hard can it be. You can't tell me that the multi-tasking piece of techno junk that you have in your pocket can tell you that you are within 3 feet of where you are (a redundant concept, and another rant entirely) but doesn't have an off button. Although if it's made by Apple there is every chance they will have overlooked such an obvious thing.

(Before all you fruit lovers get all "thingy": anyone with series 1 or 2 iPhone pick up your phone immediately. Now, the last text message you received, just forward it on to me will you...I'll just get you my number.. What? You CAN'T forward a text... imagine overlooking that, lets hope they sort it out in the later series hey? Now go have a cup of fair-trade tea and a nice sit down on your really uncomfortable, but highly attractive office chair).

Ooops.. another digression... back to the letter, (following page)

To the Manager
Grand Abu Dhabi Mall Cinemas,
Abu Dhabi Mall, Tourist Club Area 2
Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates

Re: Suggestions that might help western expats embrace the UAE culture, and maximise their experience of visiting your fine movie theatre.

1a: Create a phone mount that attaches to rear of every headrest.
Cinema goers could then conveniently read their extraordinarily important texts regarding what is on for their social calendar for the next 3 hours, without danger of nacho salsa contamination of their technological iron lung.
In doing so you will negate the problem of the poor darlings having to crouch and squint in the reflective glow of their phones, leaving both hands free to eat, thus improving potential snack bar sales.
The glow emitted from the phones will be far more helpful for patrons to check that they haven't spilled anything in their lap. Rather than the annoying half obscured light they have to deal with now.

1b: Explore potential for a blue tooth unit that has the entire expected conversation vocab on a large button that cycles though pre-set text. This could operated by foot, the button could be mounted to the floor.

Macro's could include, but are not limited to:

• Hi.
• nuthin
• nup
• yup
• At Movie
• good
• bad
• meh
• later?
• sure
• no way.
• Have you seen the latest statistics for the potential of global warming and how it's going to,like,fry our brains, or sumthin.
• So's your face.
• Can you run to the snack bar and get me more popcorn, I've just got my mobile hanging at the right height...

There are other earth shattering insights to be had via text, and it is obviously imperative that they need to be conveyed within the 2 hour period of a movie, your assistance with such a device will facilitate this. Please contact me if you need help with a working plan or steering committee.

1c: Insist that patrons increase the volume of their mobile (or cell) to the the loudest possible setting. This ensures that the distortion level of the speaker is so great it adds to the inbuilt vibro-notification, while rendering the tune that is supposed to define the individual, and completely encapsulate who they are as an individual and what they stand for, totally unrecognisable. Music randomly going off is annoying ... super loud buzzing though, perfectly acceptable.

2a: Encourage louder and more robust discussion about how each movie rates in relation to one that someone saw last week, or didn't see, or was told by someone who did/didn't see it. The last movie I went to had such opinions being made so quietly that only the adjoining 5 rows of patrons heard the thesis statement of the commentary, let alone the body of the argument - which lead to much confusion. This may also have something to do with your acoustics, perhaps they need remodelling.

2b: Don't let patrons limit themselves to the local audience, partaking of a protracted discussion with a 3rd party by phone is acceptable provided the acoustic aspect of the person speaking follow the guidelines set out in suggestion 2a. Of course if both parties are in the same theatre, then that resolves the problem of those not involved from only getting one side of the conversation.

3a: Let people know when they purchase tickets that they should not feel encumbered by the concept of time. If they decide to "discover" their seats 20 minutes in to the main feature, they needn't worry, participants involved in points 1a through 2b, if they have been successfully empowered to do so, will assist in informing the late arrivals of everything that they have missed. In addition, anecdotal information about previous movies in the franchise (if applicable) should be encouraged.

3b: Make sure that late comers have seats in the middle of rows, and that they stand on at least 3 different feet in their effort to get to their seats.

I was only stood on twice in my last visit, and my wife 3 times. I think I am being discriminated against, or that my wife was being flirted with.

4: Keep up the good work with the whole nacho thing. They look tasty and will encourage more generous seating sizes as time marches on.

Thank you for taking the time to read my few suggestions, if I, or any visitors to my site come up with more I'll be sure to let you know.

Kindest regards

Andrew Webber
abudhabilist.com

Infomation on session movie times can be found by clicking here