Getting things done in Abu Dhabi, UAE

Look I know it has taken me a while to get the final installment in but I've been doing a bit of writing/commenting on other sites, and I think that has been dicking with my natural daily word limit.

Well... that.. and my wonderful spouse insisting that we go to Cyprus for a break AND then insisting that I organise the accommodation for our forthcoming Europe extravaganza has meant that for the first time in a long while I was forced into doing something that approximated work.

Onward:

I picked up the phone to my buddy Line who, although having demonstrated her propensity to LIE (there.. I said it again) by misleading me into thinking she knew the location of Zyara (see posts Listed in "The Coffee Project") I had decided to give the opportunity to clear her good name.

"Are you SURE you know where Idioms is" I enquired

"Of course I know where Idioms is" replied Line - a little huffily.

"Yes.. but you said that about Zyara and..."

"Yes - but we got there didn't we?"

This wasn't going well.

"Yeeees" I said, torn between the concepts of throwing water or fuel at a smouldering fire; "But that was because I found it" (fuel concept won)

"You did NOT!" - a not entirely unfair assertion

"Well, I did - my blog says so - so it must be true" I offered, utilising the weak, but often utilised 'Popular belief' card.

"Look, do you want a coffee partner or not?" I suspect that this was asked through clenched teeth.

"Are you SURE you know where Idioms is?" (couldn't help myself).

"YES I KNOW WHERE IDIOMS IS" she barked.

"Okay, Okay.. I'll pick you up in 20 minutes...sheesh"

I hung up, grinning, and jumped into the Volksy and piloted it to the bus stop where Line was waiting.

She got in and gave me the 'One word about Zyara and I'll poke you in the eye' look, so I immediately enquired as to whether or not we would make it there by closing time - given that she was directing.

Some more banter followed that indicated that this time Line did indeed know the way, as it was around the corner from a nail boutique that she had been to.

My interest in nail technology was met with a sigh and an explanation that the nails in question were those on the ends of her fingers and that it wasn't some emporium of steel spikes.

To be truthful I was relieved - although I had briefly hoped that there was indeed a place. A place that stocked all manner of hammers and tacks and white gold door jam tacks and Louis Vuitton tool belts and...and - oooh the possibilities.

Then it occurred to me that if there was such a shop there would be a high probability that just around the corner would be a guy offering to take you to his friend's shop where you could buy exactly the same stuff for a 10th of the price. The guy would grab me by the elbow as he lead me into an apartment building while announcing - "Comes from same factory - best price".

I'd have to go and look - only to walk out 15 minutes later with gold painted roofing nails in one hand, a Rulex hammer in the other and a Lois Vutton nail bag velcro-ed to my waist.

errr...

The coffee review...?

Yes, I was getting to that.

We found the the place in relatively short order - partly because of Line's vague directions but mostly because of my expert driving, nonetheless we parked and wandered toward what I hoped to be the saving grace of the Abu Dhabi Week top 5.

AD Week describes this place as "Quite hip - especially for light bites and early evening eats" and I tend to agree. We arrived in the early afternoon, and the place is fine BUT it's colour scheme and decor do lend itself to a more night time venue.

Let's face it though: I'd drink coffee in a tin shed painted in yellow and turquoise stripes if there was a guarantee that the brew was going to be good.

Again we ordered food (this seems to only happen when I drag coffee conspirators along on my quests).

I had a chicken ceasar, which was fine - Line had a club sandwich, also fine.

I know.. I know...the coffee.

I ordered a latte. It arrived. I drank it.

While I don't remember being too enthusiastic about it - it was good enough by AD standards, but angels didn't sing when I pressed the cup to my lips... nor did cherubs whisk away my sugar wrapper. The conversation on the other hand WAS good.

So I ordered another - this time my absolute coffee preference - a macchiato.

For those who are unaware (this includes whoever made the beverage that ultimately arrived) a macchiato is simply a shot of espresso with a stain of milk in it (often served in a clear glass, but overall this is unimportant). SOMETIMES a half teaspoon of milk foam might be added.

What a macchiato is NOT is a mini latte/cappuccino hybrid with butterscotch sauce drizzled on it.

NOT.

"NOT" I say again.

It was my own fault.. I had let progressive and engaging discussion get in the way of the project, I had added another variable that was never considered in the planning stage.

I drank it though, and restrained myself from boring poor Line (who at this stage was laughing at the face I was pulling) with the vagaries of coffee making.

It was quite tasty in a dessert kinda way - but it wasn't a macchiato.

Not even close.
Not even in the macchiato ballpark.
Not even in the town that the macchiato ballpark might be situated in.
Not even sitting in the boarding lounge of an airline that might be flying over an ocean to a town NEAR the macchiato ballpark.

To wrap this long and winding coffee journey up:

The latte was okay. The top end of okay, bit with a side order of "Meh."

Macchiato? Fail.

Thus concluding the critique of Abu Dhabi Week's Five best coffee shops.

But it's not over for the search.

My involvement with an online forum here AND as a result of a stack of suggestions sent in by readers of this rambling beast that is abudhabilist.com has meant I have a heap of coffee shops to sneak in to, and I will... after I get some other more pressing additions added to the blog.

One of these pressing additions includes the reveal of the worst coffee I have EVER put in my mouth - not sure I can name it outright for fear of retribution - but I can describe the coffee... or coffee named substance.

Stay tuned.

Final result of the top 5 coffee shops as listed by Abu Dhabi Week:

• ADNOC - ('big cups crisis' over)
• Zyara,
  Cafe De La Paix "Marina Mall",
  Idioms
• The One
• Le Brioche "Marina Mall"
• Starbucks
• Anything else, including but not limited to, licking tarmac
• CDR - Worst coffee ever - will post at a later date.

"I'll tell you where it is if you let me come "

A simple enough statement, and while it kinda felt a little like blackmail, it also sounded like a good idea.

I had already done enough research via a couple of references I found regarding the mysterious Zyara Cafe, to put me somewhere near the place - but the offer of a guide was too good to refuse.

Some minor texting began, then a phone call, and before I new it I was picking up Line (pronounced Leena - a fellow blogger - and coffee lover) from a bus-stop in town, again in 45 degree heat. It's summer so I guess 45 isn't too surprising, still hot though.. any way you paint it.

I know Line and her husband socially, (we met them recently - her significant other, Paul, is a cracking bloke) and like her direct nature and her "no crap" attitude, so I was looking forward to a couple of hours of coffee and assertive discussion.

What I didn't realise until I picked her up is that she is in fact a liar.

Why? You be the judge...

Upon getting into the mighty chariot de' VW, Line waited for me to pull into traffic before uttering a sentence I was not really prepared for.

"I THINK it's over there..." She said, while pointing in the general direction of about 5 square kilometres of tower blocks.

"What do you mean you THINK?" I said. Concerned that I may yet find myself standing at an intersection staring through the mid afternoon haze at meat on a hook, suffering modest dehydration, and preparing myself to accost innocent bystanders for a caffeinated beverage.

Indeed I suspected that the hula girls, in all their tripod-like beauty, had heard what was going on and were already warming up. (read the "Zyara - epic fail" post it'll make more sense)

She again waved her hand forward and little right of our position, this time rotating her hand in circular motion implying that she had narrowed it down to just the 50 or so towers "..over there".

"But you said..."

Before I could complete my sentence, she added "It's near the Hilton Residences"

"I know that!" I said "I found that out on a website.... so do you know where the Hilton Residences are?"

"Over there..." again with the vague rotation of the right wrist, this time while digging around with her free hand in her very large handbag. After a small struggle, that looked at one stage like the handbag was going to win, a 4 year old visitors guide was produced.

Apparently Line had found it in the apartment she and Paul were looking after.

"You're kidding aren't you" I said.

"No, it says right here 'located in the building next to the Hilton Residences' "

"You're sure they're...over there?" I replied affecting her vague hand flopping.

"Not really, there's more than one Hilton" she said fixing me with one of her stares.

Laughing, we turned at the next set of lights in what we hoped to be the general direction of the Hilton Residences.

I'd like to say that we got hopelessly and horribly lost, that we found ourselves in the middle of a desert, bartering for robots with 4-foot-tall robed people standing at the side of a moving junk yard, as the heat of 2 suns beat down upon us, and it was all Line's fault... because she had intimated that she KNEW where the cafe was.

...but no, no Starwars IV fan tributes for us - I think it took about 10 minutes, total, for the trip to the massive carpark that is situated in front of both the Hilton AND the up-until-now elusive Zyara Cafe. Given the initial lack of disclosure on my co-pilot's behalf - I will take full credit. Regardless that she: saw the building, and the turnoff, AND had indicated the general direction in the first place... I found it.

The entry is just off the street on the left side of the cafe - it's well airconditioned without being cold, and it has a genuinely casual feel to it, rather than the "franchised-faux-casual" thing that I've banged on about in previous posts.

We grabbed a seat and enjoyed the surrounds - lots of rugs thrown about the place, super friendly staff (genuine rather than forced) and that certain something that a lot of the other cafes I've been to here have failed to demonstrate. The fact that Zyara is not attached to a retailing Juggernaut, and is not a cheeseburgers-throw away from a food-court may have something to do with it.

Cakes were ordered.

CAKES?!

Not only had Line misled me regarding her 'knowledge' of where we were going ...NOW she was forcing me to order cake. I tried to protest, but the force is strong in that one, and resistance was futile. So I ordered tirimasu (along with a latte).

"None sir..."

So I ordered the next one up the list - honey cake.

"None sir... but you should try... scrergle furningwindle"

He was so passionate about what he wanted me to try that I simply nodded.

"You, have NO idea what you just ordered do you?" Line smirked.

"Shaddup" I said, trying to stay aloof and in control of the situation.

"You don't though, do you?"

" 'No idea' is a bit strong .. but I think it's creme caramel" I sniffed.

For the record - in hindsight it was perfectly clear that he was telling me about the creme caramel - and at no point did he actually say 'scrergle furningwindle', but at the point of ordering, while I was under all that pressure to be polite, he may as well have.

Coffee arrived, and was good - (see scale below), the creme caramel came and it was FANTASTIC - super good, but as this is not a food review I won't go on, other than to say that I'm thankful that these adventures are mostly about coffee. If I were forced to eat delicacies like that every day I'd end up not so much driving my little Polo about as having to wear the poor little beast, and hire some folk to stuff me into the car - Japanese commuter train style - any time I wanted to go anywhere...

A couple of hours later and after discussions ranging from Bukowski to Sims 3, I was dropping Line off again.

Would I go back to Zyara PURELY for the coffee... maybe.

Would I go back to Zyara because it's a great place to go - absolutely, once this review fest is over I think it will end up being my place to go and hang out. Seriously great, local feel and pretty good coffee.

Would I go out for coffee with Line again - sure... I just won't rely on her for directions.

• ADNOC - (even with the current 'no big cups' issue)
• Zyara
• The One
• Le Brioche "Marina Mall"
• Starbucks
• Anything else, including but not limited to, licking tarmac
• CDR - Worst coffee ever - will post at a later date.

It seems that I may have found a flaw in the AD Week's "Best 5 coffees in Abu Dhabi".

Just a small one.

Trifling really.

Now, call me old fashioned, but I like to think that a review should have at least a couple of non-negotiable aspects in order to maintain credibility.
A template if you will. With these hard-set points ready to be filled out, before the hard work of the review begins.

A point I like to think is fundamental to a review is an accurate address. Information the reader would need if they were going to go and sample the wares of the whatever was being reviewed.
More particularly for me - an address that, if I was looking for coffee, wouldn't lead me to a series of butcher shops.

Not only would such information offer direction, it also suggests that if the reviewer were stopped in the street and asked where something was, they' know - and kindly offer directions ... because they had been there...

...had actually set foot in the place - or at least had driven past it, stopped, found a carpark, walked to the front door and asked the first person they saw leave the establishment what they thought.

With that in mind, dear reader let's skip hand in hand - err no.. let's not... that's illegal (or at least singularly frowned upon), lets walk with a respectable distance between ourselves through today's adventure..

Sub titled... "The mystery of the yet to be reviewed cafe"

I found myself standing in 45 degree heat on the corner of 2 back streets behind the gold souk near to the Madinat Zayed Market. Swaying gently in the afternoon haze and looking like someone had thrown a bucket of water over me, I was staring at animal carcasses hanging in a shop window on the other side of the intersection. While crossing the street I noticed one of the two hair-netted guys sitting out the front of the butcher turn and say something to his compadre.

"Did this guy fall in to a drain? I hope he's not coming over here to talk to...crap - I think he is... look disinterested, how can someone sweat so much and still be alive?"

At least, that's what I think transpired, my fluid depletion may have clouded reality somewhat...

But let's rewind.

Even though I had been bitten by the less than useful directions offered by AD Week in a previous review , I decided that in order to maintain the integrity of the abudhabilist.com Abu Dhabi coffee study, I had to at least try to utilise their directions to the cafe in their number 3 spot.

An entry that read:
3. Zyara Cafe. This place in the Madinat Zayed is basically an eatery, but does well as a genial near-Bohemian coffee bar.

In spite of my immediate thoughts about what constitutes "near-bohemian", I was excited (near -bohemian? Unless of course the clientele are NEARLY marginalised artists, NEARLY unorthodox, NEARLY anti-establishment or the place is located in or NEAR an area inhabited by gypsies I really don't know what that means).

I had also looked at another review that filled me with hope... THAT review suggested that Zyara could be the surprise package.

This second, and older review on another publication's site (pertinent point that: it was an OLDER review.. hold that in the back of your mind dear reader) also gave the address as Madinat Zayed, thus confirming from a reference point of view that Zyara was indeed to be found by driving to Muroor Rd, parking, and then strolling to the cafe where my near-bohemian beverage awaited me.

Adhering to the initial plan, and zapping through the midday streets found the mighty Volkswagen Polo parked safely in front of Madinat Zayed shopping centre - it's the one next to the gold souk for those taking notes.

Inside there were a couple of cafes but none called Zyara. To make sure though I walked the loops of both floors which in itself was fun. It's a very "Local" oriented shopping space, and I kinda like being the only westy around - gives me the opportunity to wave and smile, doing my bit for international relations and all that. It also offered up a couple of cafe names to add to the list of places to try once this limited focus study was complete.

When it became apparent that my search with respect to the mysterious Zyara had been for nought, I called my long suffering bride and asked her whether she knew where it was.

It would be fair to say that I don't think she is as invested in the project as my good self. Primarily because she really doesn't like coffee. Nonetheless she went to the all seeing oracle (Google) to see what she could see...

...and gave me directions to that were around the corner and into an area where I am reasonably familiar with - our favourite Chinese restaurant is there. While I was grateful for the directions given, a sinking feeling had begun in the depths of my coffee glands - I didn't remember seeing a cafe in that area that fit the description, nor anything even close.

The mission was still there to be done - so a quick car shuffle later I stepped out into the 1pm heat, and proceeded to:

• Walk the length of 12 street.
• Walk back.
• Walk both sides of the buildings on 12th.
• Walk around the Madinet Zayed food market.
• Marvelled that the smell at the back of the fish market didn't strip the skin from my eyeballs.
• Walked back to the corner of 9th and 12th.

Which brings us back to the beginning, where a large bald sweating man was lurching toward a couple of innocent butchers trying to enjoy their break.

The gods must have been on their side, as my coffee-hating wife phoned me just as I'd made the centre line of the road.
(a quick aside.. I am STUNNED that paint can stick to a road surface that hot.. I was stunned too by the 3 legged hula girls in grass skirts - although that may have been dehydration)

"I've had a better look - the other review you were talking about said that it was in a position where you could see the traffic on the corniche. There's no way it could be behind Madinet Zayed"

I headed back to the car - slowly - and got in, put the air-con on and waited until my eyes were clear of floating white spots.

Thoughts?
Far be it for me to suggest anything that even hinted on foul play, but ... could the Abu Dhabi Week reviewer who unknowingly sent me on this caffeine fuelled mission have got their information ... errr.. mixed up? Could they have relied on a secondary source rather than their own experience? Is it a coincidence that the misinformation put forward in the older review was repeated in the newer?

With these thoughts in my sweaty head I retreated, at pace, to the sanctuary of the ADNOC to grab my Coffee Planet machine coffee.

Yes-I realise that up until now I had been referring to it as "Planet Coffee", I noticed it for the first time today as I was staring at the machine, hoping there weren't any ex-St Kilda folk looking on sadly shaking their heads.

I think I prefer Planet Coffee... and may contact the company to suggest such. Although I think they have enough to concern themselves without listening to the rantings of some unstable Australian coffee hound who maybe in love - real love - real, honest, til death do us part love - with one of their Petrol Station machines in a Middle Eastern desert.

I might rename the ADNOC machine anyway.

I think I'll call it Charlene.

Tomorrow is another day.. and with any luck Zyara will be part of it..